Are we in a gay sports bar?
It was kind of weird
What did your mom walk in?
She flung her tampon across the room.
Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Showering in my swimsuit in hopes of getting the beer smell out.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.
god, I have more takeout restaurants in my contacts than friends
This guy is trying to get me to do some acrobatic gymnast shit just so he can see "my tight hole." I'm too big to be sweating in my own damn bed. Shittttt.
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
Omg in one week, two guys with their own names tattooed on their bodies had their tongues in my mouth. Self loathing shall commence now.
Randomize
