Screwed.edu
Why is there 6 cases of kwic trip dounuts dumped in my bed? Best 34 dollar wake up of my life
Eating alone in the dark with one candle. This is sorta sad.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
Oh no I would never do that to her. But when you're single again let me know. Cheating penis is definitely better than single penis. But she has claws.
We lost power at midnight which freaked out my roomate and friends. The power came back on 30 minutes later. We are now at the bar having "the rapture came and we were left behind" shots
Passing out drunk in my therapists lobby may not be the best way to confirm my "stability"
Jk probs not coming. Tequila
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
Said he wanted to wear me as a loincloth. Not sure if sexual or predatory
Drinking and decided to streak in the apartment fountain. Canadian goose shit and sharp rocks on the bottom. I sobered up quick. That was a very bad idea.
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
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