I'm jammin out to some Brit Birt, she's still my bitch, I love her crazy ass
just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit
she blew me in the men's room in the restaurant. it was a french bistro, so it was okay
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
My boss just sent an employee on an hour long paid break to pick up weed for our 'staff meeting' tomorrow morning.
In honor of today being Sunday I am day drinking and watching Grey's Anatomy all day. ALL DAY.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
Had to take him to the ER for not only alcohol poisoning but for stepping on a firecracker. Happy 4th holy fuck
I made him watch the first 5 episodes of Game of Thrones before I decided to sleep with him.
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
Are you opposed to me trying out your penis?
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
I wanted to make my beer stronger so I poured vodka in it. Why god....why
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
