im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk
She took her shirt off and was broader than Dwight Howard.
Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.
We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.
Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.
I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.
Which genius got me a voicemail of myself puking?
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I feel like I grabbed someones dick last night, & if I didn't I'll be disappointed in myself
We get drunk and make out in different places. Is that what love is?
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Hired a new intern today and we have something in common. I blew her boyfriend in high school. Do you think she knows?
I just wish he would stop trying to bring his emotional baggage into our sexual relationship.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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