Stop trying to talk to my friends!!
then get some ugly ones...
drunk enough to think that masterbating in the pool is an awesome idea
We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car
You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
I should become her mentor. Get her life back together for her
You mean sponsor?
She said to me, without hesitation, "make me an offer better than my sugar daddy and I'll go with you"
They made up a new version of "Smash or Pass" called "I would(n't) let you sit on my face" to yell at the freshman
He finger blasted me like an angel dude
Randomize
