You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
My dog just threw up a condom. Sorry for accusing you of not wearing one, I found it now.
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
Holy fucking shit the worst thing for a hangover ever--A FUCKING BOLLYWOOD MOVIE BLARING IN CLASS
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We can get high as fuck when there are no orders. If not its cool. I just figured Take Your Blunt Buddy To Work Day.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
If you end up wanting to sit on his face, just make a sound like a dying giraffe and I'll make myself scarce.
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
I'm crying during the second episode of Golden Girls that's how high I am.
He just went to a job interview a sharpie moustache drawn on his face..
Randomize
