his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?
I'm not ok right now. I just walked in on a 600lb woman passed out on the toilet and she walked out and tried to eat her cell phone. I'm on acid I think.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
don't worry about the neighbors I'm like 99% sure all that snow covered a good portion of our vomit
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?
something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance
Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.
Will keep you updated on the sexual orientation of my new guy
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I keep finding granola in my bed. This is what I get for sleeping with a guy from Oregon.
feeding cats lunchmeat on my kitchen floor. come pour me another shot.
Our livers get a hall pass for 2020, right?
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