New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
this ugly chick literally cried last night because i wouldnt let her give me head
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...
I thought she was being abused so tried to go in at the sympathy angle, but the bruises were from pole dancing. I went in at all angles.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned
Every time I think about it I can feel His toe in my mouth and I gag, I'm scarred for life.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
EMERGENCY SUBJECT CHANGE. SHE DOESN'T KNOW.
Left him blackout in the cab, gave 20$ to the cabbie and said drive until the meter said he wasn't getting a tip.
Bangkok has him now.
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