dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
Just threw up my room service breakfast with my fake eyelashes and pearls still on.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
yea i thought the egg drop soup tasted weirdly like cum, and then i suddenly remembered what happened last night.
i'm never eating chinese again.
She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?
She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
He dropped some cash when he got in my front seat upside down. And a hat. I'm keeping them as retribution for not remembering that he had sex with me once before. Although, if he didn't have his dick pierced, I wouldn't have remembered either.
She's asleep in a fisher-price toy car
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
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