i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."
Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.
I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.
A whole bunch of large men eating Doritos just knocked on my door and asked if they could take out my trash?
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
also I can check "jump into a moving car" off my bucket list if that tells you how tonight is going
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
I cant believe you made me read bad furry sexts
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I just wanna be naked and go frolic in the snow
I gave him breakup sex, AGAIN
How was the tequila? Are you making bad decisions yet?
You can't just bring up bondage and then stop answering me
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