This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle
I woke up with the wrong plaid-shirted guy in my bed.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
And now that i don't feel so bad because you're not pregnant the $15 for the pregnancy test I bought would be appreciated
Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.
If you're not on crutches for breakfast, I'll feel like I've failed you.
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
Is it bad that I'm a 32 year old woman that is so afraid of commitment that a hamster is too much responsibility?
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
If I'm not drunk and wearing a penguin hat by the time we are done opening Christmas presents then coming home for Christmas was a complete failure
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Guy just walked in with a 40 and a Honda steering wheel. Where the fuck am I?
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
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