I blacked out in 45 minutes and woke up with a missed call from someone I saved in my phone as the karate kid.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.
You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Today has been like a snow day for your boobs. No rules, just doing whatever they want.
I think I have a bro crush.. When I imagine him, I imagine him waking up to go take a shower and just finding three bitches making out waiting for him. Like that awesome.
I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences
???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Sometimes I just take my boobs out of my shirt so they can get some fresh air
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
I just thought you should know... Instead of a glass of wine before bed I am having a few shots of 1800. This is what being a night shift nurse will do to you... Standing in your kitchen in your undies doing shots
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