My body has become completely dependent on Text Twist. I can't poop without it.
Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.
Me specifically?
Yep.
there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
Either I'm deep cleaning my apartment out of severe academic procrastination or I'm subconsciously nesting and need to take a pregnancy test.
Every single item that was in my fridge is now in my hot tub. Please help
I also like to call Halloween "Mystery Fuck Day"
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
You attract beautiful men with jobs. I attract ONE WITH A SOUL PATCH.
it was a sexy soul patch.
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
The last thing I remember is talking to the firefighter next to me and he was giving me fruit.
You know that if they offer you a bagel they are determined to sleep with you, right?
Hypothetically speaking of course, is it bad if a cat eats lube?
If hypothetically I needed to puke on the bus... how would I go about doing this.
You’re going to be a doctor, and I’m going to be a trophy wife. We both have goals
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