The maid of honor just puked.
i just snorted my name. best moment ever
I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??
I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...
This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"
Why is hotel staff askin about the blood in our room
Delivery driver perk #327: I just paid for part of the security deposit on my new place in pizza. This oughta be a fun renting experience.
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
I'm trying to get fucked by 4 girls here, and you're worried about verb tenses?!
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
