I'm at his house. He has VELCRO shoes. I'm too desperate to leave...I may need help in thee life dept
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.
Clearly that person doesn't understand how efficient getting drunk and working out at the same time is.
I found your pet lobster in the bathroom this morning. I went to return it to you but it escaped.
Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."
I want you to come over here and spit coffee in my mouth like a momma bird feeding a baby bird. That hung over.
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
I wouldn't say I LOVE Pacman. I mean, sure, I'd battle against you in an epic Pacman struggle for blow jobs and glory. But I mean, who wouldn't?
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
Smoking a bowl in nothing but a flamingo thong.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
How dare you not respond to me after opening up a picture of my bare breasts
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
