Lol speaking of weird...he just sent me a naked pic of himself that said "meow" at the bottom.
you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
my being single is dangerous.
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.
If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.
This is why we're friends.
I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!
3 girls crying in the bathroom at the bar. Its like a Christmas song
Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.
We lost our room key and found it in his pocket with 3 pieces of fish.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
He showed up at my house with roses and a bottle of vodka... to watch a movie. obvi i took the vodka and didn't sleep with him
I swam, I rode a bicycle, I rode a horse, I danced. It was like a real life tampon advert.
I don’t know how to sext. What do you say? What do you don’t say?
Just start quoting WAP lyrics.
Randomize
