Redeem this text for a blowjob
Her sex list was a LOT longer than mine. She tried to justify it by saying '4 of those don't count because they were in the gang bang'.
He looks like the kind of guy that still collects pokemon cards
Vodka + horseback riding = vomit in the saddle bags
worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.
I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.
I'm training him to sit when I whistle the tune from the hunger games. I'm going to be the coolest parent ever.
There's scrapes on the inside of both my thighs.. Because we wanted to get drunk and climb trees naked.
Got a 72 hour restraining order. Can we meet monday? Let me know!
Running late for a date because I couldn't get my clothes out from under the dude I spent the night with in time to leave when I planned. This is my life.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Randomize
