Where's the Hot Mess Express headed tonight?
I hope that's not the new nickname for my friends and me.
he sent her a picture of his penis to show that he "trusts her" or some shit like that..well she showed it to me, and let me just tell you..it looked like a freaking slug or something. creepiest penis i've ever seen. hands down
He told me that he wishes our relationship was more like prison: less touching, more butt sex.
This costume is too restrictive. The priest and I cannot get it on while I am wearing it.
He always finds the good stuff. He's like a truffle pig for bud.
Before he comes over remember the house standards. Ask yourself "will he stalk my sister or myself in the future?". If the answer is yes, then no, he isn't allowed.
doctors was a success... no liver damage and I lost five pounds.. we're celebrating tonight you get the whiskey I'll get the burritos.
Bonded with the ladies at the perfume outlet by saying "help me smell like i'm not hungover before my shift starts". This is not where I wanted my life to be
You also spilled beer on my dog and tried to wipe it off with a paper towel but he kept getting away from you.
Mike's my new hero. There's a flagpole of hook-up's bras on his porch and a week's supply of beer in his fridge but he still has a great job.
I just want to order a very large pizza and get very drunk and very laid.
Every time I download Tinder again, I hate myself a little more.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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