I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
he said he didn't have a condom.
and you said?
that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.
There's a hobo dancing by himself. Is anyone going to ask how he got in the house?
I just beer bonged a sparks. You better get your ass over here because no one is on my level yet
this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"
Currently bar hopping with 30 Navy SEALS. I know i'm safe but damn its hard to pick up chicks when you feel like a big pussy.
this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.
I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked
I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.
she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
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