Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
i wish there was a 'silent except for booty calls' volume level on my phone
I'm in new territory... I've never had to convince a guy to let me give him head as an apology.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"
i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
you take my contact solution?
drank it last night then filled it with brandy for the plane ride.
How is it possible that I'm still a virgin and you've managed to have sex in a cheetah print onesie TWICE
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
I gargles a mimosa for breakfast. It's gonna be a killer Monday.
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
her fuck buddy was butt ass naked in our kitchen making waffles but they tasted so bomb
being broke is really keeping my alcoholism in check
Randomize
