Remember that night when i almost got you arrested? Is that funny yet?
Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
I'm okay.. I had a good heart to heart with the cab driver Raheem - it's going to be our year.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
thanks for not telling him i named my trumpet after his dick
My pants are like a grocery bag containing ONLY jelly beans right now.
I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.
Well at least ssomeone is or the state is tafing over ir in twligiob
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
He's gonna fuck me, then his girlfriend is going to come over and fuck me in front of him. And they're smoking me out. Happy birthday to ME
my comprehension of H.D. Thoreau really dives after 8 beers.....
It will astound me if they ever let you graduate.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
