she's naming her girl london marie
that kid will be born with a tramp stamp
would really like to know how the teddy bear got super glued to my testicles.
Just walked in and was handcuffed to a police woman. Fire fighter woman poured franzia down my throat. Aaaaand I just ate cookies off of Little Red Riding Hood's tits.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
It was honestly like he was directing a porno or something. he kept telling different people to grab other people's boobs, it was all very artistic.
Why didn't I see you last night!?
We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.
They seemed upset when they walked out and saw a penis in a mouth
Plus I'm on the toilet and I can only describe it as if someone had kicked the cap off of a fire hydrant.
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I am never taking a razor down there again. He'll have to love me as I am.
Maybe the problem is guy has to ask his wife if he can go out to lunch with his girlfriend for an hour...
DOMA is dead. I'm definitely going to be the last of our friends to get married now.
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
I wonder how drunk we can get before Christmas Caroling turns into trespassing.
Randomize
