but it happened after you broke up with me and before we made up.
so they made cookies with their faces printed on them...I ate jaime...she tasted like poop
god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
and she said "My body is an orphanage, I take everybody in"...
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
My contribution to the dinner party was a bottle of vodka and a bag of uncooked potatoes. I felt like a Russian serf.
Just high enough for therapy.
I blacked out at work again... Except this time my boss watched me throw up by the bus stop and some woman let me sleep on her shoulder for an hour. Why does this keep happening?
ROB LOWE. SO BEAUTIFUL. SO DOUCHEY. SO HARD TO SPELL HIS NAME WHEN DRUNK.
I sexted him with a GIF from titanic and it worked....
I love waking up to reeses ice cream. But I DONT love waking up to it all over my cat. I blame you.
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
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