just wrote on a church. and then stalked a boy, by the way, i fucked him. him being your friend, also, love tacos.
my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?
I got to work, greeted my staff, then went into the bathroom to throw up. Who hired me to run a business???
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers
At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I work 80 hours a week to prevent myself from just laying in bed and masturbating all day. It's a hands off strategy.
Changed all my ex bf's names to "no" in my phone so the next time I try to drunk text one of them it'll basically be like Russian roulette
I think my biggest regret in life is not banging you in the science museum
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Last thing I remember I was riding on a picnic table being hauled around by a lawn mower with an empty case of bud light on my head...
Adderall went through the wash. Took it anyway. Wish me luck.
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