Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
Before he took my jeans off all he said was "no hard feelings from middle school right?"
Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach
oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Awee what are you going to name your new dog?
What dog?
It's cosmic balancing. My vagina is an instrument of karmic retribution.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
I bought us both waterproof cases so we can sext through FaceTime in the shower.
Next. Level. Shit.
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
I currently need breakfast in bed, morning sex, and a bourbon and diet coke. Make this happen
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
I'm not in bed, I'm driving and puking at the same time.... first for everything
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Hey long story short Grandma needs bail money.
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