she had a pic of herself in a bikini as the wallpaper on her iPhone... I'm sensing a Tyra banks kinda girl. shit.
I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.
i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.
i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night
That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...
That would warm my breasts.
In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.
I have a taco in my pocket for later because I am a practical drunk
i sent my dealer a picture of the money i would pay him. i also told him i would pay him in cheez-its if he would prefer that.
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
i have to vacuum my washing machine now, asshole
We had sex and then I offered him a cookie...while he was still inside of me. Basically he's in love
I am now "wine pairing" tums flavors with my strongbow, because apparently hard cider gives me heartburn.
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Randomize