how the fuck does easy mac keep making itself at 3am when i'm wasted? what is this phenomenon?
It's a Westpoint/Army thing, we talk about Miley Cyrus a lot
Why?
Because when is jailbait ever not funny? Answer: Never
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
Was there a Canadian at your party or did I dream that?
He put his hand in my cleavage. NOT ON. IN. BETWEEN. NO more gingers
Ew. After that you just pretty much proved that your vagina is the reason why my vagina needs two toilet seat covers when peeing in public restrooms
You may want to re-read your sent texts from last night. You were texting me about your "fire shits" spelled 6 different ways between 3 and 5:30 AM.
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
I was just tryna bring you beer girl. I should've known you'd be shirtless though
If my birthday doesn't end with my panties hanging from a ceiling fan, I'm holding you responsible.
I was going to learn how to knit but I got high instead.
I felt like I should've driven him home but I was holding in a fart and just needed him to leave
Anyone would get lost in that field after that much vodka. Trust me... I kind of feel like superman considering I even made it home. Most people would've been face down in a random oilfield. Not this guy.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
just because he was passed out beside the toilet, didn't give you tge right to pee on him
my aim is off when im drunk
Randomize
