Operation extremely regretful is in full effect
how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
Trustme, don't ever look up when you're giving road head. It's awkward.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.
He started making out with my boobs. I didn't know whether to be proud of my boobs or ashamed of my mouth.
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
You are a genius and a whore.
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
That awkward moment when you realize you've been secretly blackout dating someone for three months. Drunk me is in a committed relationship.
Randomize
