I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.
I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.
Dude... Hand job in the lake... It was as weird as it sounds.
The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.
she tried to douche with champagne. in front of all of us. unabashedly.
you threw me on the ground pryed my purse out of my hands screaming " I JUST WANNA HOLD IT A LITTLE BIT". later i found you putting on my lip gloss.
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
I got poked in the eye with a penis last night. How's your day?
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Bank just called....we left my debit card in the ATM last night.
I have 3 vacation days left and I'm guarding them like a gay dragon on a pile of gold dildos molded after celebrities.
Smaug the FABULOUS
Pretty penis doesn't make up for awkward eye contact.
He got mad at you last time bc you tried to rap battle him via text. This is strictly business.
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