it's already thursday and i haven't gotten drunk yet...something's not right.
my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
You sent me a picture of you licking the bottom of a shoe and the caption was "it tastes like shoe"
Stoned in some guys basement listening to ELO. it's like its 1978.
You know what would make the espn body photos even better? If anyone knew who any of those fucking athletes were. That, and maybe not feature Gary Player.
when I called the strip club they said there was a note with my credit card. "girl who punched guy in throat" fuck daytona
just wanted to eat pizza off his dick so he let me and he can never forget it
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
Already doing pt exercises by picking my margarita up off the night stand. Fuck yeah.
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
