there is this woman at the counter who looks identical to linda ellerbee. and she's grinning. COME. INSIDE. NOW.
So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
this is a time for prayers...seriously
let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.
I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.
got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me
She put up a picture of her grandmother on facebook, looks like the lazy eye runs in the family
Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
Was it you that ate my bacon or do I have to rip my roommate's face off?
honestly performing my own hysterectomy would hurt less than my cramps right now.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
Sorry I fucked your cousin. Again. I just wanted him to take me on his boat.
Randomize
