I thought she would fill the void you created. Turns out she thought I just wanted to fill hers.
If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.
If after tonight I can still walk on my own, take me to another bar.
Be careful. Don't drive if your body turns into a caterpillar again.
you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny
IM A SHIT SUOW THE GUYS AT THE PMACR TOLD ME AJDBO I WEBF RO WALNARY WITH OU SHOES! I WASHT LLOWES FLOWERSA
Walked up in time to hear him say "you saw I was in a relationship on facebook? So why are you holding my nuts?" To her. That's loyalty man
It's 2:10 am I am sprawled on the floor of the kitchen drunk and eating cold chicken wings come help
My purse is like an anchor I can't move I am sliding around like an over turned turtle send help
This floor is really dirty send a maid if you can
I threw up this morning to Silent Night playing in background. It was actually quite soothing.
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
Hey! Happy Birthday! Could you do me a favor and bring my underwear to the bar?
I wanna stuff your vagina full of Reese's peanut butter hearts and eat you clean
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