DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
Can't wait to go see my drug dealers baby being born. He rolled all of the "it's a boy" cigars into blunts.
just got in my apt...and theres jungle juice here i left from over a month ago..this could be interesting...or deadly
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I'm missing a sock, a boot, and antlers. We need to get on that.
Why is my vagina being sacrificed for yours? I'm sure he would take a piece of you too. Your turn.
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
How could she say that about my foreskin when she hasn't even seen all the cool stuff I can do with it?
dude, im taking a shit and i just realized it's his MOM in the shower not him...oh fuck
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I'm definitely drunk. At the gyno. On my birthday. Life is a joooooooke
And tell your penis that we can hang out tonight for sure.
Randomize