THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
I haven't been able to trust a girl since spanks came out
I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.
Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips
She called me her guardian angel after I picked her phone up from the river of pee coming from her front porch.
Whoever invented the gimlet should be given a medal and then shot
I WILL BE THE BEST FICTITIONAL HISTORICAL FIGURE FOR THE FEMENIST MOVEMENT THE WORLD HAS EVER SEEN
How many trips to the liquor store in a week constitutes alcoholism?
it's all fun and games til I text you in last nights clothes with a head bleed
this hangover isn't hhappening. im not letting it
its winning. its definitely happening
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
You walked in on us hooking up, hugged me, high fived him and unhooked my bra.. You claimed to be helping
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