I would say the hottest chick there looked like Susan Boyle and the ugliest like Bea Arthur
Nice use of current day folklore
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
Girls should come with a carfax report
Everytime I walk into a bathroom at school that I've taken a pregnancy test in I get a little bit nostalgic....
A blow job from a tiger shark would still entail less risk to your genitals than having sex with her.
Using the balance in my bank account I just calculated how many fifths of vodka I can buy this year. Don't let me buy food, all my money is reserved for alcohol
My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.
I got laxative. And a toothbrush. Because who wants to buy just laxative on a Friday night?
I'm pretty sure that our Lady and The Tramp Red Vine moment was the farthest I got last night
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
Even my fuck buddy told me I needed a boyfriend. Fml.
Woke up from a black out in a strangers Jeep without phone, shoes, or wallet.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
Randomize
