I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Totally just asked Dad if I needed to show the real estate guy my tits so he would let us buy the house. I've really got to work on that filtering thing.
the general consensus of people in the room is that i should have another bottle of wine.
"people in the room" being me.
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
She was pouring Goldschlager in my mouth during the shower sex. How can you NOT like her?
I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.
The trick will be getting hammered before we get to the first bar
Challenge accepted
He showed up at my front door with Plan B and a rose...
I just had to break into my old house and steal my sex tape. Good times. How have you been?
He called me saying he got nice rims for his car so now we can fuck in style
I just got a voicemail from some strange woman with a Russian accent. Are you ok?
ANIME MEN ARE MAKING ME QUESTION MY SEXUALITY AGAIN
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
we've never stayed at a party for more than an hour. we always end up at a pizzaria. by ourselves. with no friends.
what else are best friends for?
On the plus side, he ate me out and gave me an orgasm. But he also talked about robots during sex and mispronounced it like the dad in the goldbergs and called them “robits”
Randomize
