How do u get a lost condom out? Like really lost... up there...
they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
This martini tastes like the bartender stirred it with his foreskin.
If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.
Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"
just started drinking the sprite you used to ice your crotch last night. Missing you already
you don't know true fear until you are a convinced that velociraptors are trying to kill you through your roof.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
I have to date her we need a place to stay for tailgating
I JUST WATCHED PAULA DEEN PUT BUTTER IN HER BLOODY MARY. This is not a drill. Real life.
Fuck yeah GAYNESS
*explodes into glitter*
I think I accidentally agreed to be someone's surrogate
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I've come to the conclusion that my issue is I'm not fucking a guy with a headboard
See I just want a dick that I don`t have to deal with or talk to unless it is inside me. Is that so much to ask for?
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