it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I woke up and went to my kitchen naked and decided I wanted a fruit cup. Ate said fruit cup. Look over and notice my male neighbor is staring at me
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
He tried to stop traffic by waving his half eaten pizza at cars.... And we were stupid enough to cross .....??!!!
Is it too early to get staydrunk at 1pm on Friday for Monday's St Patty's day
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I'm over here willing to be the Yoda of fucking but I guess he just doesn't want to be a Jedi.
the wedding party just walked in to the song eye of the tiger. i'm getting drunk.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
am i the only one who finds it a little awkward seeing as we all made out last night?
She's wear your skin crazy! Is it wrong that I'm gonna fuck her 1 more time though?
Randomize
