This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?
dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my brother came home with a bottle of vodka and his pants off. were gonna spend more quality time together.
The nurse told me they're using the same medicine that killed michael jackson.
I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.
it's been a while because I don't count the hooker
I hope there's a soldier with a Bedazzler just going to town right now.
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Fun times on public transportation. I just had a guy imply that I was racist cause I didn't want to talk to him when I was clearly reading my book and he was clearly on coke.
not ubering you a puppy
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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