two words: fractured penis. two more: emergency room.
What a good family we'd make, him and I and our kids and his good dick.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
And fyi howling is not an acceptable form of communication.
how did operation slutty penguin go?
pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter
so today, i decided to say "fuck it" to mental stability, take a klonopin and wear a blanket toga. New Girl is on Netflix, nothing could go wrong.
You're too young to have this sort of Grizzled Old Drunk In Roadside Bar wisdom.
If that orgasm indicates how the rest of the year is going to go, I need to buy rain boots.
If there was a category for "most likely to end up a serial killer" in your high school yearbook then I'm sure you would have won it
Who the fuck watches Jessica jones and thinks I need to call a past fling?
I'm a stupid stupid woman who is totally going to rock this holiday season dick drunk on that Ginger
I told my parents how nice the girl at the frogurt store was. I neglected to mention that I nearly lost my virginity to her via foursome.
I just saw a guy walking down the street without a shirt on and holding a samari sword....
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