I told her it just looked small because my balls were gigantic. She bought it.
you were having sex in the bathroom so i pee'd in your bong water...
Puked in the hotel lobby and just kept walking. I love mardi GRAS.
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
Hey, i turned the toilet into a water fountain. Drink up.
She was a little hefty, so I turned on the strobe light in our room. Everything looks better with a strobe light.
He told me that before I went to bed I needed to do my stretches and then processed to demonstrate a squat thrust, while completely naked.
I'm laying in bed listening to Purple Rain on repeat. If you wanna bone, come up, but if not, at least Prince understands me.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I'm like a freaking volcano of life and sexual frustrations
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
How I know I would be an awful mother....I just stirred the bong up with a baby fork. A literal baby fork....
Ive realized that in order for me to understand math, my professor has to be hot.
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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