chris hansen is no longer pursuing child predators.let's celebrate
i'll bring the hard lemonade and lube
Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.
i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text
I can't wait for the 4th. I'll probably get drunk and end up puking all over whichever 18 year old I end up making out with.
I performed "get broken glass out of my shoulder" surgery last night... Drunk, with a what-a-burger straw.
And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger
I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off
Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS
You sent me a cat video and you screaming drunkenly in my background
Yea not today, I ending up taking a shit behind a tree last night.
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
I felt like... 50% confused and 50% like a slow roasted flip flop.
Well I'm going to hell. But I'm going after multiple orgasms.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I've had pants off for 3 hours now. America.
one nice thing about being home: no walks of shame, just drives of shame
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