i'm using a wine bottle as a spitter. how classy is that.
Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma
Yo plow her in the living room were all outside tommy wants to see
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
okcupid is pretty much insisting i hook up with this chick who looks like andy milonakis.
Red flag bro. Her only friends are barflys and a teen with a fake ID
How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?
I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living
It's like we're not even friends
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
You're finding a boat, I'm going to sleep with a guy that lives above a bar and has 24 hour access. We are really nailing this adulting thing
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
When he was leaving this morning he said I'll text you later on and I replied with if you don't that's cool too.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
Making friends with the guy who had alcohol-infused whipped cream was the best decision I made all night.
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize