you kept telling everyone that you were the mayor of silverware town
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"
After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"
I come from her. Holy hell.
I had an epiphany. If a dude dressed up as Batman to ask me out, I'd prolly marry him.
apparently when a guy says "if there's anything missing in your life, I will provide" he's not expecting attractive lesbians to be the answer.
If I shaved my pubic hair into a heart for valentine's day how much would you judge me?
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
I expected better sex from someone with the word CHAOS tattooed above his dick. But on the bright side, he was down to watch a documentary on Honey Badgers afterwards so I guess I'll keep him around.
Is it weird that I only look up my ex on Twitter when I take a shit? May have conditioned myself to associate him with shit
Do you have feelings for this penis?
Thanks for the hospitality last night.
You mean sex?
Yes....hospitality.
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