M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
seems the shocker is way more shocking if u get the fingers wrong
Just ran into my ex in the WOMENS bathroom. He said I did this to him. Swore he never wore my clothes but said he liked my skirt. I need vodka.
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!
I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.
Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts
Sometimes I envy you, when I'm not praying for your soul.
official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count
then nothing in my life counts
If you are breathing, I want you at your house. No non-breathing-related excuses.
I'm sending lingerie pics that I took yesterday. I fully prepared for this holiday
SpongeBob is life. I once broke up with a guy bc he said SpongeBob was stupid.
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
I'm pretty sure he sprained my clit...
Randomize
