I need to just get drunk and eat a pot pie.
Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...
We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.
I'm sure it was awkward. I've never had a professor expose parts of them to me before.
Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Must say, as a couple, she and I are thrilled that our pretend lesbianism has paid off.
This morning was so rough I can't even. I was cutting up vegetables for my omelet on the floor. THE FLOOR. I sat on the floor because I felt like I was gonna vom.
In other news, last night I told somebody they made eczema look so good they should call it sexzema.
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just ate the lyft drivers bacon cheeseburger. Well fuck me this night escalated quickly.
Your penis is the destroyer of worlds.
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize