he asked me to marry him on one of those scrolling message belt buckels.... what now?
he just watched a baby story on tlc while high and just called me screaming he never wants me to get pregnant
then he said we can't have sex anymore because ill hate him.
Oh no. He has the "I'm 30 years old and I just shit myself in public" face.
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You guys can't keep having sex with them and cleaning their house! They're never going to take you seriously!
I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.
So somehow today's lecture on the immune system turned into me having to stand up and explain female ejaculation to the class.
I didn't know what to do so I panicked and puked in my pillowcase with my pillow still inside.
Damn him and his beautiful face and body and penis.
He totally just went there for sex cuz he slept in her roommates bed the rest of the night after they were done...
pure definition of booty call.
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
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