Haym$ered
turn off your phone and go to bed
dude i totally did the walk last night came out of her room to see her dad sitting there straight lookin at me...wtf
he called me "his little blueberry cunt muffin"...how would that make you feel?
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?
about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well
We were on the balcony tossing jello shots to people passing below
When people said no i'd yell "i tried them i promise they aren't roofied!"
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...
It's called: a legit place to drop acid.
I just want brownies and waffles and someone to lick my tits
I'm such a good drunk match marker. You single, you single... Drunk friend meet single boy. BOOM illegitimate baby made!
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
