holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !
How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'
i now have a sippy cup solely for the purpose of drinking alcohol out of...am i an alcoholic?
due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
hey your mom heard me say to her " That right your not going to Shit right for a month"
You're wonderful. How are you always such a good friend?
50% genetics, 50% driven by a desire for people to drunkenly eat donuts at my funeral and then have fantastic cry-sex afterward.
Why the fuck is there a picture of us jumping a girl that's wearing my chicken mask?
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
"Being an adult" and "being happy" are two circles that do not overlap in my Venn diagram of life.
Don't drag this out. All I need to know is if I have to put pants on or not.
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
The economy isn’t reopen until I can get drunk and motorboat fake tits at lunch on a Wednesday
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