I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.
you better fuck at least one or both of them.
mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
All you need to do now is invest in a Speedo and start going door to door.
Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.
Your children are clinging to me like my teets are full of bountiful milkiness. They're driving me nuts. I felt my uterus shrivel up.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
I didn't think it was possible but he dislocated his thumb during intercourse last night then cried
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
In reference to the club we were headed to our cab driver told us about the time he had sex with a woman on the dance floor there. And what do you know, they're celebrating their 22 marriage anniversary together this year! True love does exist!
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
I forgot what I was gonna say, but I'm pretty excited to not be pregnant.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
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