I have the sudden urge to buy a Snuggie and wear it to the grocery store.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
Cops are here now. U need to come back. Ur not under arrest. But u need to apologize to the woman for what you did to her cat.
How are you going to be there by 9am?
Relax I always go to these conferences hung over
You say that like it's a positive quality
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.
I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
I mean jail does seem alright, all the free broth you can eat.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
A million fucking miles away, and the sun still manages to fuck my hungover mornings up.
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
I'm being hhit on by creepy guys please come one bought me a penis hat balloon animal save meeeee
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