i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.
according to the contents of this bucket, last night i swallowed a whole teabag
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex
Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
If you find me in the bathroom in a fetal position, licking frozen bacon .. I might have Drank a little too much.
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
I bought him flowers and fake vampire fangs, cuz there's really not a greeting card that says "Sorry I got wasted last night and started a very sloppy bloodletting ritual.".
Randomize
