does your mom think i'm crazy? i just realized i played both the gay dad and the ex-jew card tonight. i blame the wine
You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
I wish Samuel L. Jackson would narrate our bar crawls
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
Just let me suck your dick and be happy. Let me have this.
I still blew him because I won't let allergies keep me from doing what I want. But I almost suffocated like 10 times.
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Just hit on a girl with the line, "You look like Natalie Portman if she did drugs". Strike 1
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