Sitting at a red light. Windows are down. I'm blasting Gaga's "Disco Stick" and doing an interpretive dance to it because I think I'm hilarious. Look to the left and see two Phi Delts that I know with their windows down. They are horrified. I am probably going to lose their Facebook friendships.
ok understand this, i didn't pay for your dinner bc you said i wasn't going to get a blowjob for at least a month... this isn't a mail-in rebate deal, you gotta pay upfront
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.
I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.
I can feel my liver begging me to stop.
Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.
He asked me if the reason I slept around is because I grew up in a broken home. I am so done fucking Christians.
Nothing is working I'm going to die alone and on hold with a State Farm representative
I think I used my hospital ID to cut the coke last night. I need to swab it for residue at work today.
If he doesn't give you the same feelings you get when the pizza guy arrives, he's probably not worth it.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
She is 6 months pregnant and gets more action at bars than I do.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
It's like I'm tryna ride my horse through dennis quaid’s vineyard
That's a sexy sentence
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