How young is too young to ask my kid to make me a drink?
You peed for a solid 5 minutes last night and turned around halfway through to give everyone watching a thumbs up
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
I will show up on your front porch in a wet t shirt and some mac and cheese
He left for work so I drank pickle juice from his fridge
Look, his dick is so good at being a dick that it makes me see God. And I don't even believe in God.
Just seriously saw this chick say, watch this motherfuckers then did a 42 sec keg stand.
You at least asked for her number right?
you're telling me you don't want to have sex 30,000 feet above the earth?
Blacking out in the security line at the airport is not nearly as fun as blacking out in the lunch line at the dining hall.
Randomize
