I've decided through careful research we can out drink any country folk.
You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
He kissed my cheek and I could smell it the whole way home like shit
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
It looks like I murdered a care bear and put its blood in my hair to warn the others off.
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Yeah just had sex and grub hub came right after he did. I’d say it’s a win.
Randomize
