I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.
tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?
Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness
I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money
No one is allowed to go to bed until all bottles are finished, I don't want to feel my face tongiht. Do you understand?
Please put me on a plane and hypontize me into forgetting the little bit of last night that I do remember.
I'll pay you back with progressively deviant sexual favors.
She said she wanted you to slurp her vagina like a spaghetti noodle.
Yeah because the only thing stopping you from fucking Emma Watson is you not being a Gryffindor
And I am bleeding like slutty girl #1 In a horror movie
i woke up in a bed of pop tarts
who says I'm not relevant to the kids today? Just had snapchat sex, blows the roof off aim cyber sex
When I get off work and you're not around to hang out with all I do is lay around in my underwear and eat potatoes.
Randomize
