I just fucked a rockette. This would have been amazing a week ago.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
yo your bro wants to know what time he got home and were you hosing him off
he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.
He is currently in a meeting and I am sexting him in Italian
And he's using Google translate to reply. Who says cross country relationships can't be fun?
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
Okay, I just reached peak living alone
I ate a piece of chocolate cake while jerking off
You do it and I'll burn these mermaid pants so help me God.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
Randomize