3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
Well maybe next time you won't tell me to do whatever I want.
There's a dead frog in my kitchen?
Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.
The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"
Brogan sounds similar to Bridget...sorta.
Every girl's name is automatically translated to "Baby/Milk Carrier" in my brai
From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry
im coming over
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you
That was the first time I ever heard of a female getting road head while driving... thanks for the memory and making me happy ending..
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She swallowed the car key because she thought we were really going to make her drive.
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