i just heard a guy call his kid "Google" in a way that leads me to believe that's his name. this day couldn't get worse.
He cooked me dinner. I showed my appreciation by showing up shithoused and breaking a bottle of steak sauce on his floor.
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?
"you can only have my number if you answer all the questions on this trivial pursuit card correctly"
You were fine, but your knee injury definitely came from interpretive dancing like a gay fairy with lead wings all around the Mission St BART. Everyone thought you were on drugs.
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
New low reached: a cockroach has actually drowned itself in our dirty dishes. We are heathens. Cleaning dance party tonight. No excuses.
Dude. Where are you? There's a hot chick drunkenly dancing on the bar and aggressively taking shots to Pink songs. She looks like she needs a rebound. Get. Here. Now.
FUCK NYC TRAFFIC.
Vodka and tater tots have managed to satisfy me more than most of the guys I've slept with.
I'm making mistakes. Coming up with girl now
I hate me. That girl was hiiiiideous.
I had sex in a panda mask the other night.
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
You're lucky I just like fucking you because you would really suck at being a boyfriend.
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