yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
I'm so hungover, I actually considered rolling down the stairs to avoid walking.
you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"
It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD
Do you think dominoes pizza would deliver faster if I told them I just had shower sex and that always makes me hungry?
he had a Pillsbury dough boy tattoo to remind him of his drug dealing days
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
dude, last night I won a real sword and a bottle of vodka in a cards against humanity tournament
Just realized I chose a bacon cheeseburger over sex last night
Why the fuck was I face down on the floor with you mounting me like a horse anyway? I'm so confused
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
I'm a teacher who's always telling kids about the importance of due diligence, yet I'm eating an avocado out of a coffee filter because I'm too lazy to wash dishes
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