You know you have a problem when you walk into your bathroom find kettle one in your shower and a note you wrote yourself when drunk that says "panties at jared leto's" on your counter
I realize now that I left my pants on that table in the downstairs bathroom at you house on Tuesday....
Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
Theres either a bag of coke in my pocket or a bag of anthrax, either way last night got way to serious
Come get me we have a petting zoo to throw up in.
It really went downhill when you started writing IOU on pieces of napkins. Giving them to the strippers
Real life dumb and dumber
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
He was feeling me up but acting like he was asleep. Like WTF does that mean??
The air I exhale reeks of whiskey and bad decisions
She fucked a bartender in a closed Applebee’s and has the nerve to call me easy
I don’t care how cute or big a guy is I’m done with drunken hand jobs. It was like I was pulling a nine inch bungee cord for 25 minutes. Now My arm and shoulder is dead
Randomize