i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
End of the semester and I banged 14 freshman. I'm like my own welcome to college orientation guide.
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.
Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I'm really good at handling things like foreskin and speech impediments.
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
Look, I'm just saying... paying ur respects to the neighbors who had a death in the family with food u steal from the neighbors having the cookout may result in a negative karma situation.
You ever just wake up and decide, today I'm going to eat a whole bag of fritos and a tub of cream cheese
He looked like he was trying to woo a lady version of himself by playing goblin music on his guitar.
Dude, my sex life is so sad since I started having feelings.
Sleeping with just one person sucks
I'm going to start using the hurricane naming system for my hangovers. Hangover Agatha is a real bitch today.
Remember when I got punched in the face on NYE last year? I don't
Hun your dick isn't big enough for you to be that lame and predictable
Randomize
