I woke up on my floor...
I woke up with colors of the wind playing on repeat on my laptop...
it was pretty much a given that i would lose my thong on dollar tequilla shot night
You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
the thing I didn't realize I would miss about college is that at home you can't just dismiss your sex bruises as drunk accidents
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
you were like "guys ... i think i got fingered while dancing tonight"
our poor poor cab driver
I've got the dick your vagina needs, but not the one it deserves right now.
Wow has his pick up routine ever gotten bad. He is trying to use cheese as a way to flirt with the waitress
Oh man, he played the Harvarti cheese card and it didn't work. Now he is flailing
You should be able to leave recommendations on Tinder.
...and now I welcome the sweet embrace of death.
Just had to break it to that one guy that I can't sleep w him bc he looks identical to my brother. So how's your morning?
I found a used condom and a hairbrush in my dryer this morning.
Hiring someone to do your laundry would be a good investment.
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
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