who knew "i drink your milkshake" would work as a pickup line
You look just like Jennifer Aniston on food.
just tripped. bootyfest 2012 will be my engagement party. i saw the whole future. i'm moving to the beach.
My dealer threw in a "freestyle rap" today with my purchase. I dont know if I can handle this relationship.
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
Show him your tits if he says no
They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
do you know where my other puke covered boot is
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
Getting haircut. The stylist asked about the body paint dried in my hair. I told her there was prob glitter, too. It was a fun night!
so I definitely just chased tequila shots with a biscuit covered in sausage gravy
Thats fucking manlier than riding a bear into battle
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
Got home. Somebody tried to sell me weed on the street. I've never had to try so little to find a dealer before.
Randomize
