the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"
I stole a road cone for their 13 yr old son. Apparently I told him to put Christmas lights on it, and "treat her like a lady."
the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel
like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.
No one figured out why I brought along the vibrating massager.
He wrote me poetry. 12 hours after getting my number
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
Make sure you wash your hands. That seagull you threw was very sick.
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
I feel like with a dick like that he could of done more with it
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
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