fucking a dude
i mean: fucking a, dude
wow, that comma made all the difference there
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Wait so they unscrewed the bathroom door to find you naked?
Listen, it's not like I meant to bust the window out. It just sort of happened. And I'm also sorry for stealing your dads bandanas.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
He's so vague sometimes. Like dude, we've been friends for 3 years. I don't need you to be vague, I need you to be inside of my vagina.
I'm about to have a threesome at the hotel where I had my quinceañera. Becoming a woman under this roof for the second time, whaaat
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Sorry my phone died because I decided charging my vibrator was way more important
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
I'm pretty sure that cute cop drove me home. Especially since I found his card in my purse.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
I know that whole thing was awkward. Not worth the piece of cake.
We smell like vodka and hangover
Randomize
