went out last night and woke up on the bathroom floor again, thinking about just moving my bed in there.
He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.
its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.
Apparently my face was in the trashcan and in between throw ups I was screaming LOS DIABLOS. I woke up this morning with a bird flying around my room. Nobody seems as concerned as I am.
I'm going to start referring to my liver is Livy. I feel like if I give it an affectionate nickname it will hate me less. Livy isn't ready for syllabus week.
I think we all know your liver needs a man's name.
so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life
Wore a burger king crown while giving head still drunk this morning #blessed
Ok: all ex-gfs except you from the last 5 years have or are about to have a baby...be on the lookout...
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
Also you know what's irritating? When the guy you're sleeping with refuses to like any of your Instagram posts
I appreciate the fact that you sent me a snapchat of your dick soaking in a cup of water.
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
