I'm sitting here watching a kid lick a basketball- where have i gone wrong in life?
Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus
Just realized after we're done pre-gaming for St. Patricks Day, we have March Madness, the first day of spring, and Easter to pre-game for. March is a great month.
he was drinking wine. Puking into an empty water bottle. And eating french toast. ....All at the same time.
Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.
It wasn't really sex. It was just rolling around, trying to make sure his dick didn't end up in my ass.
And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
If you don't want me in your apartment then lock your door better
Just bought weed from the ice cream man. The kid in front of me got a tootie fruitie.
So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...
The subtweets were good enough
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Didn't know my clit could produce that many orgasms in one night. Fuck my husband; think I might have to become a lesbian.
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