Hi Jason, it's Liz. We dont need you to pick us up anymore. I dont care if you will be here in a milisecond. And you should know im wearing really amazing shoes.
I never said you were fat, just too fat for ME
When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
he's wearing our apron and eating a pb and oreo sandwich. and calling the oreos "topless" since he took their tops off...
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
I never thought I'd say this, but I think I just saw the hottest pregnant chick alive.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
It was kicking off big time until you crawled out the bar on your hands and knees. Nobody wanted to mess with that.
I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary
Lets just put it this way. Im meeting his nana after a mind blowing orgasm.
He showed up to a booty call with 2 tea bags, but no condom...
He's on the porch naked. Help.
I JUST NEEDED TO TELL YOU I JUST FUCKED TWO BOYS IN THE SPAN OF LIKE THREE HOURS AND ONE OF THEM WAS MY SISTERS PROM DATE FROM HIGH SCHOOL IM LOWKEY BOTH PROUD AND ASHAMED
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